5 reasons why I smoke

Me on any given afternoon

Some of you readers may be taken aback by my strange title. Most of you probably saw the title, and then the picture, and left it at that, leaving to your daily errands with an image of Steven the chain cigarette smoker burned into your mind, while others of you may be wondering what I mean, since you should all know me well enough to know that I would voluntarily shovel the feces of an overweight mongoose before puffing on a lit cigarette willingly. There may be a small few of you already know that I'm not actually talking about cigarettes.

Fat mongooses look a lot like Spiderman

I'm referring to pipe smoking.

1. It's classy

Seriously, do I need to explain this any further? Pipe smoking is frequently attributed to classy, intelligent men and women. This isn't just a social stereotype either. Mark Twain, C.S. Lewis, Albert Einstein, Ralph Waldo Emerson,  Sigmund Freud, and Dr, Seuss are just some of the incredible men who smoked pipe in addition to all of their achievements.  There is really nothing classier than sitting down in a plush chair in from of the fire place, reading some of your favorite literature and lighting up a perfectly crafted blend of English tobacco.

My bud Gandalf smoking on his pipe with me yesterday

2. It's cheap

Pipe tobacco--nay, good quality pipe tobacco is cheap. Not just cheap, very cheap! For two ounces of quality tobacco it might put the purchaser back about $7. Two ounces may not sound like much to the lay man, but at the rate tobacco burns, it will last for about 25 smokes (depending on the size of your bowl.

This may not mean much to some, but let's compare that to other common habits.

A cup of coffee at Starbucks costs around $4, and it serves for only one use. Two cups, and you've paid more than you would for 12 times the amount of enjoyment from a pipe

A pack of quality cigarettes goes for about $7, getting  one 20 cigarettes, which burn much faster than a bowl of pipe tobacco. 

Do you want to compare ice cream? Chocolate? Hot tea? They all come to a higher price than the sweet and full scented tobacco leaf.

3. It's not addictive

Well, not any more than anything can be, as psychological addictions are not substance based.

"Now hold your horses, cancer lover!" you exclaim as you proceed with incite from your in-depth tobacco knowledge, "Pipe tobacco has traces of natural nicotine, and nicotine is addictive!"

While I do concede that pipe tobacco does contain natural nicotine (natural emphasized because it is very different than the artificially induced nicotine in cigarettes). Pipe smoking is an art in and of itself;  one is not supposed to inhale any of the smoke, but enjoy the flavor, then allow it to freely leave your mouth, billowing out as it fills the air with its sweet aroma. This way, only small amounts of the already minimal amount of nicotine is ingested through your mouth.

If one used his pipe incorrectly, in mass quantities he may find himself addicted, but this is the case for many common household items, like Listerine.  Many common items used every day have addictive properties and chemicals in them. When used correctly, pipe tobacco is not used to feed an addiction, or to calm down after a stressful day, but as an activity to relax, and enjoy with.

WHO HID MY @$%#^& LISTERINE?!

4.  It tastes good

It's that simple; pipe tobacco tastes good. It's not even something specific to just the preferences of select few; there are hundreds, if not thousands of flavors, both from natural blends, and others from artificial flavors. Some tobacco favors I can't stand, but with any one that I abhor, I can find five that send my palate on a flavorful adventure. We consume so many other things based simply off of flavor, it's a wonder why more people don't enjoy the unique variety that pipe tobacco offers.

5. It sets up for meaningful, uplifting conversation

While it is understood that meaningful conversations can happen under any circumstances, it is a universal truth that certain props, or scenarios set these conversations up, to be accessed in an easy fashion.

Just as one sets up a romantic environment for a proposal, so to can we set up our environment for worthwhile conversation. I hope we are all familiar with some of these environments: Staying awake late at night with a friend while the rest of the house sleeps, a fresh cup of (expensive) coffee at your local coffee shop with your special other, even a text message conversation when your feeling down. All these are environments set up for quality time with another that you will never forget. 

Maybe after dinner, you could come over to my place. We can both put some smoldering leaves of a tobacco plant, which have been professionally blended together and stick them into a small bowl at the end of a hallowed out stick and smoke them. If you know what I mean.

Out of all these situations, I have never experienced one as effective as smoking a pipe on a late summer afternoon, overlooking a beautiful view with some of my best friends. The conversations, encouragement, and aura of the whole experience is something I will never forget, and look forward in experiencing again soon.

But please, don't take my word for it. Go out get a pipe, and enjoy the wonderful flavor, convenience and pleasure you can find in something as simple as the smoldering of leaves.